


(You're Not) Worthless

by jordieey



Series: Glee--Missing Scenes/Fix-its/ [11]
Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 15:59:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13217163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordieey/pseuds/jordieey
Summary: After his rejection from NYADA, Kurt feels worthless.





	(You're Not) Worthless

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully no one's OOC.
> 
> There's a bit of a long author's note at the end. I'll totally understand if you skip past it.

Kurt didn’t even bother saying hello to his father as he bolted up the stairs and into his room. Instead, he ignored Burt’s concerned calls, and all but threw himself onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow as he desperately tried to hold back his sobs. When his dad came into his room, Kurt told him about the rejection, and requested to be left alone. Burt, after patting his shoulder and murmuring something comforting, heeded his request.

It was then that the sobs came, causing his shoulders to jerk rapidly. He tried tried the hold them back, he really did, but they flooded into his head heedless of his efforts. 

/No one would miss you./

/Do you really think you were ever the son Burt wanted?/

/Worthless waste of space./

/Fag./

Why hadn’t he gotten in? That had been one one of his best performances. At least, he thought so. And Madame Tibideaux had said she was impressed….

Why had Rachel gotten in anyway? Kurt knew she was talented--he had never denied it--but she’d choked. That should have been the end of it. But no, she’d had to harass the poor teacher into letting her into NYADA. Since when did that even work?

He wondered, bitterly, if it would have worked out the same for him had he taken similar actions. 

Probably not.

/Worthless./

Kurt started to--sort of--sing into his pillow then, not even truly realizing he was doing it. 

“Wake in a sweat again  
Another day's been laid to waste  
In my disgrace  
Stuck in my head again  
Feels like I'll never leave this place  
There's no escape  
I'm my own worst enemy…”

He shuddered, and let everything out.

***  
The months dragged on. Kurt felt as if he was walking in a constant fog--only elevated by Blaine and his friends. All the ambition he’d carried before had disappeared like it had been sucked into a black hole. The assurance that he would get into NYADA--that he would one day be on Broadway--his confidence in his unique voice--it was all gone. 

/Worthless./

/Who would miss you?/

Kurt struggled not to hate Rachel, at times. He tried to hide his resentment during their various, daily calls. If he ever slipped up, Rachel was clearly too charmed by her new life to notice. 

/Waste of space./

It was four months after his rejection, when Kurt was shaving--he did actually grow facial hair--that he realized he needed help. As he slowly lowered the razor, Kurt eyes fixed themselves on the small, sharp pieces of metal. They were almost mesmerizing in their simplicity, and before Kurt truly realized what he was doing, he had drawn the razor across his wrist. 

The sting of pain immediately sharpened his focus. With a gasp, Kurt dropped the razor, allowing it to clatter to the floor. Tears blurring his vision, Kurt all but ran to his room and snatched up his phone. He fumbled with it, dropping it once before successfully bringing up Blaine’s contact information and pressing “call.”

“Kurt, hey,” Blaine greeted warmly. Normally, hearing his boyfriend’s voice would instantly relax Kurt, but that didn’t seem to be happening in this case.

“Blaine,” Kurt choked out. And then words were falling out of his mouth, tripping over each other as he rambled on. Kurt wasn’t even entirely aware of what he was saying. All he knew was that the dam had been broken, and now everything was coming out.

He thought he might have said something about feeling worthless; about feeling as if he was never good enough. Kurt might have made a desperate comment about all the solos in glee club he’d never gotten, said something about “Defying Gravity.”

He didn’t know. What he did know was that Blaine was talking talking again, saying things like, “Kurt, sweetie, I need you to calm down” and “I’m coming over. Stay on the phone with me, alright?”; “I’ll be right there, Your Highness. Stay with me.”

Kurt managed to calm down somewhat. Especially when Blaine started to sing to him softly:  
“You're not abandoned  
There's always someone waiting  
With open hands who'll  
Reach out and stop you fading  
Into the darkness  
I hope you know it's me...”

Blaine kept softly singing to him--song after song--until he appeared at Kurt’s bedroom door twenty minutes later. Somewhere around the fifteen minute mark, Burt entered Kurt’s room, and sat with him--obviously concerned--until Blaine showed up. 

The moment Blaine entered Kurt’s room, he rushed over the pair, and soon Kurt found himself being transferred from his father’s arms into those of his boyfriend. Kurt clung to Blaine desperately, shuddering every once in a while, but remained thankfully quiet. 

Burt’s arms, Kurt though dazedly, felt like a fortress. Formidable and safe. Never yielding.

Blaine felt like home. 

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Burt asked gently, rubbing Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt muttered something indiscernible, pressing himself even closer to Blaine.

“Kurt,” Blaine said, and his heart broke a bit at the anguished worry in Blaine’s voice. “Please, tell me--us what’s wrong.”

Kurt didn’t want to. He didn’t want to burden them with his problems. They deserved better than that.

/They must resent you. They must hate you./

/Gay kid./

He didn’t want to tell them. But they deserved to know.

/They’ll leave. You know they will./

Trembling, Kurt pulled back, his eyes locking with Blaine’s. 

“I just…” Kurt started to say, searching for the right words. Singing about this would have been much easier. But now was not the time. “Blaine, why didn’t I get in? I thought I was good. But I’m clearly not. I’m not good enough.” Drawing in a shuddering breath, Kurt lowered his head, a few more tears escaping. “I’m never good enough,” he added in aa near whisper.

Kurt heard his father draw in a surprised breath, while Blaine looked shocked and heartbroken. Burt’s grip on his hand tightened. 

“Kurt…” Burt breathed, sounding like he was trying not to cry himself. “How long have you felt like this?”  
That, Kurt thought, was a good question. And there was no good answer. In truth, he’d felt like this for years--it had simply been pushed to the side when he was in glee club. At least during the good times. The horrible though that he wasn’t good enough had tried to push itself forward after “Defying Gravity,” during the bullying, every time he was refused a solo. It had just been easier to push it back.

Kurt settled for saying, “A while.”

Blaine’s hand, which had been gently gripping Kurt’s bicep, drifted upwards to cup his cheek. Kurt’s eyes fluttered a bit at the action. 

“Kurt,” Blaine said, his voice managing to sound earnest and authoritative at the same time. “The last thing you are is worthless. I can’t believe you’d ever think that.” Blaine swallowed hard, and tears appeared in his beautiful chocolate eyes. Kurt immediately felt guilty. He reached up grasp Blaine’s hand. 

Just as Blaine was opening his mouth to say something else, Kurt himself being gently turned around to face his father. Burt’s face was a mask of utter agony. There seemed to be traces of tears on his face. As yet more guilt rushed through Kurt’s veins, Burt seemed to take a moment to select. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, breathing out slowly.

“That,” Burt said, his voice biting and angry, “is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard.” Kurt blinked in surprise, letting out a brief, surprised chuckle that caused more tears to spill onto his cheeks. “Kurt,” his father continued, reaching out to grip his hand, “I’ve told you before--you matter. You are so important to me, son. I can’t even describe how important.” Burt stopped speaking again, seemingly trying to calm himself down. “So don’t you dare say bullshit about not being good enough. You’re better than half the men your age.”

Kurt’s lip wobbled a bit, and he bit it to prevent the action. He wanted to stop the next words that came to mind, but they were out before he could do so. “I was never the son you wanted.”

Blaine made a sound that resembled a sob. Burt stared at him for several seconds.

“Maybe not,” Burt agreed. Kurt could swear he could hear his heart shatter. When he tried to pull his hand away, Burt gripped it more tightly. “But you were the son I needed.” 

A sob worked its way past Kurt’s lips, and he launched himself at his father, gripping him tightly. He didn’t even care when Burt started to card his fingers through his hair--it was probably messed anyway. 

The three of them stayed there for a half hour--if not longer. At one point, Blaine took Kurt into his arms and started to list all the things he loved about him: “Your voice, Kurt, it’s so beautiful, I can’t even…”; “You’re so strong, and forgiving, and compassionate--so talented. When you sing, I swear I fall in love with you all over again.”

Burt added his two cents as well. “Kurt, if it weren’t for you, I probably would have had a second heart attack by now.” Everyone chuckled a bit at that. “Blaine’s right, you’re talented, Kurt. And you deserve the world.”

They stayed like that for a long time--Carol joining them at some point. Reassurances were whispered to him lovingly, and when started to sing, perhaps he started to believe them.

“Run run run away  
Meet me in our hiding place  
Find me where we'll make our escape

Come come come away  
We don't need them anyway  
Find me where we'll make our escape..”

***  
(Some months later)

Kurt’s breath stuttered as he shakily opened his second NYADA letter. Closing his eyes for a moment, Kurt sucked in a calming breath, before lowering them to the first line of the letter.

“Dear Mr. Hummel,

Congratulations! We are excited to grant you Official Admission--”

Just then, the door to the apartment opened, and in stepped Rachel. She peered at him curiously.

“It’s from NYADA,” Kurt explained. He could see Rachel’s breath catch, and took a step closer to him, eyes wide. “I got in,” Kurt said, a smile nearly splitting his face.

With a gasp, Rachel rushed forward, and Kurt caught her in his arms. He continued to grin as he gazed at the letter over her shoulder. 

/I’m good enough./

**Author's Note:**

> Was it good?
> 
> Songs: Safe With Me and Escape by Megan Nicole. You should check her out--she's a great singer. 
> 
> Interesting story: I was shopping not long ago, and I saw a board game named Furt. I think I had a little fangirl moment right there. 
> 
> A heads up--I have now officially finished watching the entire Glee series. So, in terms of writing requests, the entire show is now fair game. On that note, can anyone recommend good Kurt fanfics for me? I'm not too picky about who he's paired with--although I'm partial to Sebastian and Blaine.


End file.
